Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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