i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
