Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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