My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
