Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
