i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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