I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
