Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
