I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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