Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
