what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
