Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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