Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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