Little spoons don't ask big questions
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
