No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
