You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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