so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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