He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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