i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
