one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Vodka?
Forever.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
