i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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