my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
