yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
