Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
