hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
