how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
