Whod you bang
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
