I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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