My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
