8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
