Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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