Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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