Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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