Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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