census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
