if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize