My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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