I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
it's great music for shaving your balls
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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