Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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