is your mom at the bar?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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