I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I could fuck to npr.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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