she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
