my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
