Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
