pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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