i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
