New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
