i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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