So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
