his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
