dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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