Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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