You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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