I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
