and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
