well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
