Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
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It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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