I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
